I had the most painful 15 minutes of baby boomer fame in history.
The surgery lasted a lot longer, almost 10 hours. Let me admit right off, I ain’t no saint. But hey, I was the victim, dude. Feminists treated me like a criminal and turned it into women’s lib cause celeb.
Remember, Lorena sliced off my manhood while I slept, jumped in a car, and tossed it out the window like a stale hot dog.
She was found not guilty by reason of…whatever, but my wife was sentenced to 45 days in a mental institution. Does that tell you anything? Hello!
♫ Reunited, and it feels soooo good. So what does a real man do after a miraculous comeback (pardon the pun)? Become a porn star. First I shot (pardon the pun again) John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut in 1994, then I did Frankenpenis. Pretty clever movie titles, huh? I thought them them up. And you reckoned I was just another big stiff. Howard Stern had me on his show 7 times. I wouldn’t say I was a pop culture icon, but lots of baby boomers related to me. You should see my fan mail.
Yes, my band, The Severed Parts, didn’t catch on. One snot-nosed critic said, the group could never “pull it together.”
I moved to Vegas where nothing I did stayed there. It’s true, I had some trouble with the law. OK, 7 times. Think maybe my feminist enemies and envious old boomer prosecutors were after my ass? I got a total of 7 days and some community service for all the arrests. Yo, lots of 7’s in my life, but that number falls short when it comes to certain stats.
I’ve had plenty of honest work in Vegas: bartender, limo driver, and tow truck driver. I was also a minister of a Universal Life Church. But you you never hear about that stuff.
Not to beat a dead horse, but “sweet, innocent” Lorena was arrested for giving her mother a couple of knuckle sandwiches. How low can you get!? She’s had a kid but never married. I wouldn’t do that.
Just to show I harbor no ill will, we appeared on television together where I apologized for being less than perfect. Lorena said I must still love her because I send Valentines and flowers.
Boomer Trivia Questions
►Which boomer celebrity was not arrested for assaulting his girlfriend or wife?
►What was the only X-rated movie (NC-17) to win the Academy Award for Best Picture?
►Boomers in Common: What do all these celebrities share?
Answers at end of post
This Day in Baby Boomer History
1990: Back to “Give me a vowel.” Final episode of this short-lived late night television talk show.
1984: Pre-doghouse days. Pete Rose becomes first baseball player to get 4,000 hits in a career.
1983: About time. Harold Washington elected first black mayor of Chicago.
1980: U.S. boycotts Summer Olympics in Moscow.
1963: Academy Awards: Sidney Poitier is Best Actor for “Lillies of the Field.” Patricia Neal takes Best Actress for “Hud. Best Picture goes to:
►Al Pacino may have played many a tough guy, but he never laid a finger on his real life lady friends (as far as we know).
♫ Everybody’s talkin’ at me…X-rated movie Midnight Cowboy won Best Picture in 1969. Co-stars Dustin Hoffman and John Voight were nominated for Best Actor.
►Boomers in Common
All were in Hollywood marriages that lasted 9 months or less.